"It's as if my dignity lies in turning my sin into something with merit and purpose."
As I look at this excerpt from a journal entry dated January of 2009, it makes me sad. It also makes me a little angry and it makes me feel pretty cheated.
Does my dignity really lie in whether I choose to dedicate my life to the treatment, education and advocacy of eating disorders and it's sufferers? Will my life and my being as a whole really lack dignity if I don't dedicate my life to eating disorders?
Looking at this excerpt at this point in my life and in my Masters program makes a lot of sense. It helps me make a lot of sense surrounding the fact that, I don't want to do this anymore. The excerpt has really helped me figure out my confusion in the fact just mentioned, that I don't want to be a therapist.
My career choice has come from what I went though and from my recovery from ED. However, in this stage of my recovery, I know full well I DO NOT and CAN NOT allow ED to control me, my life, my behaviors, nothing. I never had and I still do not have to let ED control my life, my educational pursuits or my career path.
It's as if my dignity lies...
Woah, woah, woah... hold on a second now... SAYS WHO?
Who says where my dignity lies? Who decides that? Who determines and makes up rules about where my dignity lies?
Are you catching on to why this excerpt has both infuriated and freed me at the same time?
ED is all over that journal excerpt. ED wrote that "it's as if my dignity lies..." nonsense. I didn't write that. And, I don't have to follow ED's rules. No sir-e!
I don't want to do this anymore. I am about to finish my Masters program in Rehabilitation and Mental Health counseling and ya know what?... yes, you know, I have said three times already - I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE.
Sorry, but I'm not sorry. Sorry, I'm NOT sorry my legs are bigger than my arms. And, sorry I'm definitely NOT sorry that I don't want to do this anymore (—> 5th time). I don't want to revolve my career around the treatment and prevention of eating disorders. For the love of God and of recovery - Sorry, but I'm NOT sorry...
My suffering from ED does not mean I owe it to anyone nor to my existence versus nonexistence of dignity to dedicate my life to eating disorders. Gosh, this revelation, this epiphany, this freeing acceptance —> I thought I already did all that... I feel so relieved. And I'll tell you the truth: its been on my mind for weeks. Maybe my fans of Eating to Live, Not the Alternative have noticed? I haven't been able to bring myself to write a blog entry in months.
It only took me to the last 6 credit hours of my 60 credit hour Masters program and $70K in student loans for tuition, a discovery of an old journal entry, and a ton of self-reflection to really figure it out... I decide gosh darnit . I choose. I determine where my dignity lies. I don't have to pay for it by "getting right" with my previous ED sins to have dignity.
You know what I wanted to do when I was a child, before I knew ED? I wanted to be a doctor - ER or OB/GYN in particular. Always, always, always. When we had to think about what we want to do when we grow up, I said doctor, every.single.time. But, okay, okay... so I'm not gonna go full out med school. But you know what, I AM going FULL OUT P.A. school.
Physicians Assistant - it is what I WANT TO DO. Not because I owe it to anyone, to any disorder, to any struggle, experience or sin, but just because I really do want to.
This is it. This is the final moment. This is the last good bye. ED held on to me all this time, even by way of trying to determine my dignity. Psssshhhhhh!!! ED, I have told you before and I will tell you again for the LAST TIME. You've got nothing on me - get out, get out, get out of my life and of my dignity. GOOD RIDDANCE, ED. Good riddance fabricated dignity requirements. Good bye.
It's as if my dignity lies in making my own choices, ALL of my own choices.