Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Calories in food vs alcohol

She is so quick to concern herself of the calories in an apple or a piece of cheese or a cookie or a piece of pizza. She obsesses about the foods, works out and thinks "okay, this machine says I burnt 300 calories, that means that string cheese and the all-natural peanut butter I had on my whole wheat english muffin this morning are probably gone now, so I am okay, I'll be okay (or now I can eat more...)"

When she drinks alcohol, she's not so concerned about those calories...those empty, worthless, nutrition-less calories. She gives herself a hard time about eating an organic protein bar when she gets home from work but, she'll down 1, 2, 3 glasses of wine at 120 empty calories each to "relax". Guess that doesn't really seem to make much great sense...

And, worse, after she drinks, she is MUCH less likely to be able to control the obsessive impulse to overeat. This means not only does she drink in likely over 350 empty alcoholic calories, she also takes in other calories from the random food that ends up on her lonely mind...her mind has got a mind of it's own, and it doesn't need any encouragement from a loss of inhibition!

Fitness Instructing in her future...

For a while now, I've been wanting to get certified in Spinning instruction. I absolutely love a good spin class and really can feel the effects of good instructors versus not so good instructors. I love love love music. Spinning and music are like two peas in a pod! I know that I really appreciate fitness instructors. Even if I feel like I have no energy, maybe because she had a bad day yesterday, a good instructor can get me going and keep me going.

After a good workout, the world is re-conquerable! She becomes re-empowered, no matter what her day was like yesterday or today.

I want to be that person, that source of inspiration. I want to be that motivator. I want to have a new purpose for working out. I don't want my priority of going to the gym to seem and feel so self-absorbed. I want it to have a purpose aside from fulfilling my perfection seeking behavior and tendencies. I want people to leave feeling like I leave fitness classes, powerful and untouchable.

"I am Superwoman. Yes I am, Yes She is!" -Superwoman, Alicia Keys

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Alcohol...oh, alcohol

I decided that I am taking a break from drinking... it's not going to be very long. From today, Sunday 3/27-Thursday April 7th. 12 days... doesn't sound like a while at all. However, I really can't remember the last time I went more than a week without a drink in, like, ever... I don't mean that I get drunk and stupid all the time. But, I do usually have a drink, or 2, almost daily... its usually wine after work. It's relaxing to me at night. But, I think its time to find another relaxer that doesn't involve a "drug". Here it goes... I'll be blogging through the next 2 weeks I hope, too.

She is scared of this...having a drink or 2 takes the edge off the compulsive thoughts of eating food or not eating food. It makes it easier for her to overeat...and that's a big reason why I want to take this break. She needs no excuse to overeat. Her head needs to be clear and conscious. I want to see how she does.

Plus, I need to break the habit... I shouldn't be drinking as much as I do. This is to prove it to myself that I can do this. And, honestly, I'm nervous. I know I'll want a drink...

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

The history of her face

For as long as she can remember, she has had mixed emotions and varied experiences with a mirror... I will only focus on one source of these mixed emotions in this blog...

She always remembers in her early teens and beyond smiling in the mirror. As she got ready for whatever door of activity she was about to enter, she almost always found her face smiling back at her in the mirror. The smile I am referring to has always came from the same thought source...

"I am too pretty to be fat."

I realize this statement lies at the extreme end of thoughts about one's looks. Part 1: I am...pretty. Part 2: I am...fat

I've always thought I had a decent amount of beauty and charm in my face. I've always battled with maintaining that feeling of beauty in regards to my body. She doesn't always see a beautiful body looking back at her in the mirror. But, wait, who ever told her what a beautiful body was? Who ever told her what she and her body had to have (well, more accurately, what it had to NOT have) to be considered someone with a beautiful body. Who ever told her "You cannot have that cellulite, it is far from beautiful" or "You cannot have that pudge on your belly, not even just a little bit, or it will not be beautiful". Who ever told her these things? Where did she get them from? Will she ever be able to rid herself of these credentials of "beauty"?

No matter what size I am, she still looks and always finds herself mocked by the reflection of a beautiful face; this beauty she sees in her face often doesn't match her judgment of her lacking, imperfect body.

The incongruence of mine and her emotions about this reflection in the mirror has remained brutely and utterly exhausting. Who likes perfect anyhow? Perfection is boring and impossible and ridiculous. Yeah, well, I know that. But, try telling her that...


It's gorgeous out on this Spring Tuesday in Sunny South Florida. Perfect day for, I don't know.... thee happening beach spot with 4 new girl friends from grad school that I'll be spending the next 2 1/2 years with and some kind of delicious, frozen concoction with an umbrella & a big fat straw? She was supposed to do this very kind of thing today. But, instead, she chose to avoid it...the bathing suit thing with 4 other girls with rather amazing bodies and a big ole gorgeous beach full of gorgeous, confident people. What a shame that instead of having a great time and getting some much needed vitamin D-laiden sunshine, she'll be working in a couple hours. Serving ironic. The thing I fear the most I spend the most time around...or, er, I mean, the thing she fears the most...

:::insert long, deep sigh:::

Monday, March 14, 2011

Counseling 101

Counseling. After all this time, she finally finds herself here.

How very far she's come on her own, yet, how very much farther from where she and her perfection-ista mind, heart, body, want to be.

She envies those who walk around, who walk up and about, who look...comfortable. Is it possible that they, unlike her, actually live comfortably in their skin? Are there some who can go on and about without an ever-anxious concern for their measure of self-worth, sitting, shaking, trembling on their seemingly confident shoulders? Well, for her, more like on her stomach, legs, tricep, butt... Amazed, she almost stares... I wonder what that's like. No, she wonders what that's like. Something she can only imagine to be peace; life; living.

If only she could live freely, easily. If only she could live; if only she could consistently eat to live, not the alternative.

Counseling... we'll see how much farther it can take her towards peace; towards life in peace.

A bad day vs. a good day

Just binge ate
Yay, me
Woulda never
If I wasn't
If I didn't feel
If I didn't hide
If I didn't bury myself
All by myself


How forgiving
my strong
can be
When I treat it
with just
a little

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

As of late...

I have had a mix of.... emotions, sanity, confidence...and lack there of, senses of power...and lack there of, senses of worth...and lack there of, senses of self-efficacy...and lack there of...

Get the pattern. My life is so cyclical and hypocritical sometimes. And, sometimes, its not...

Overall, exhausting...

More to come...