Thursday, June 23, 2011

What a perfectly imperfect path...

I get butterflies in my stomach when I think about my path up to now, right up to this very day in this very moment. Wow... tears come to my eyes when I sit back and realize that out of all the pain and suffering I've experienced in the past, an extreme and devout appreciation for every past moment, trial and tribulation has taken over me. I am so thankful for the way I feel now... taller and full of pride, purposeful and full of dignity, blessed and full of gratitude.

Finally, I am working in the field in which I belong. I have put my childish ways and habits aside and I have walked into this "big girl" job, as I like to call it :) Well, I didn't walk into it... I looked and applied for a job in case management for two years. I wondered why and complained and felt discouraged and disappointed so much in those two years. I thought I just deserved it! I thought I should have it because I really wanted it and I really cared about it! I didn't want to serve tables anymore! I wanted to be a professional and I wanted to have a title I could be proud of, not "Hi my name is Jessica and I'll be your server/bartender tonight."
To me that title was beginning to feel like the in AA meetings when they say, "Hi my name is ____ and I am an alcoholic." ...oooh I hate that, but thats another story. (Shouldn't it be, "Hi, my name is ____ and I am here because I have realized/I admit that I genuinely have a problem with alcohol abuse." ??!!) Anyways... I'll blog about the way I feel about negative labeling another time :)

Now that I'm here, in the field and being blessed abundantly, I have been reflecting. Thank you God, thank you God for allowing things to happen the way they have. Although I haven't always seen the bigger picture and haven't always respected the fact that the timing maybe wasn't right before, I do now. The things that are happening in my life now seem to just be timed so perfectly. I might not realize or accept that fact 'til later, but wow, isn't it just perfect.

Wasn't it just perfectly planned that I didn't get a job in the field until now. I had things to take care of...I had me to take care of. In the mean time, I have started school and I've learned SO much so quickly. I've learned so much more than what's in my textbooks. I have been able to live with my Mom for the first time in almost 10 years and its been wonderful. I have met some great people, including my brand new roommate (that all worked just perfectly, about good timing! Her previous lease ending just in time for me to need a roommate so I can be closer to my new job so I don't have to commute until Sept/Oct when by boyfriend moves up here...thank God for that gift!).
I am getting paid to learn! I have the ability to learn so much if I chose to take advantage. Umm, yes please! Even sitting in my office, I can observe the people I work with, their work ethic and the personal styles that work (or don't work) for them. There are opportunities to learn ALL around me, be it classes, seminars or team meetings (And, they don't cost $1000 each like my graduate school classes do...).

This is all so wonderful. I am not making great money but, I don't care. I'll have enough to pay my bills and eat and maybe even throw in a happy hour every once in a while :) I'll be just fine.

I don't have a lot of free time but, I don't care. If I stay organized and (finally) learn to NOT procrastinate, I will be able to finish my school assignments and study and write my papers and read (skim-read, anyway). I'll be just fine. And, if my Galo and I can respect the fact that we both have a lot going on and a lot of potential stress and just love and support each other, we'll be just fine, too. Even if its from a distance for a little while, we'll be just fine.

I haven't had much time to go to the gym either but, I don't even have to care. It's almost as if I wake up in the morning expecting to see someone in the mirror that just looks awfully tired and out of shape, but I have been just fine. I've been Eating to Live...not Living to Eat. And, I have been just fine...better than fine.

Thank you, God.

Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path
Psalm 119:105

No comments:

Post a Comment