I caught myself (herself). She almost made an appearance for the 2nd time this week...
She has a history of declaring "Cheat" days. I have often times used food almost like a reward. If I was "good" for a week or two, she earned it: "Cheat day!" Some of my friends reading this may have heard me say that before. I am sure they didn't know that it was an aspect of my disordered eating lifestyle...
Sundays usually ended up as my cheat days. I had all week to work and work out and then Thurs-Sat were days of binge drinking and dancing the night away. I had to look good for that, duh. She had to feel like she looked good enough, anyway. Looking good enough for who, though?...couldn't tell ya... for her, I suppose. So, all week we, her and I, would work together to get to the gym and resist-n-avoid any food temptations. Then, after a week of "good"ness was over, Cheat time! And, cheat we sure did.
This was in the latter years of my disordered eating. I was not a full-time bulimic. I was not anorexic. I was just plain out disordered. Nothing about the way I ate was consistent or "normal". It was thoroughly irrationally thought out, planned out and obsessed over. I knew myself. I had to have a day of "rest". A day I could let go and stop restricting. So, unnaturally, I did the obvious, right? I set aside a special day to binge. This was my "cheat" day.
Well, this week at work, she pierced her irrational head into my life...she tried to, anyway. One of the supervisors that works at my location with MHC, Inc. is getting married next week in New Orleans. So, on Wednesday this past week, we had a potluck style luncheon in her bride-to-be honor. There was quite an array of food; there was quite an array of desserts. Cookies, brownies, cake and pie galore. On a "cheat" day, this lunch room would have been heaven on Earth for her. But, for me, not so much... torture is more like it.
Now-a-days, I have more rationality and forgiveness in my thought processes, thank God. I imagined what it would have been like to be in that room in her shoes. Instead of giving into her ridiculousness (first one-word I thought of to describe her), I was able to just eat. What a concept?! I just ate. I ate what looked good--a little turkey sausage baked ziti (delicious, Sean), some home-made Dominican style rice, some salad (guess who brought salad--ME. haha, shocker), some creamy dips-n-chips, rotisserie chicken... it was what it was--Food. Good, yummy food. I ate until I was full. Then, dessert. I wanted it all. She did, too. So, I had half of it all--rational! :) I had half a slice of divine peanut butter pie, a Publix sugar cookie (one of my all-time favorites), and half of a decadent brownie.
I wanted it all so, I had it all. Ya know why? Because I KNEW that if I didn't, if I had restricted and denied myself, herself would have came back for more anyhow. So, why not just give in to ME now instead of giving in to her later? If I would have left it up to her, I am certain she would have done a lot more damage than I did or could have done. She would have declared it: "Cheat" day! And, cheat she surely would have done.