Recovery is not a perfect road...

This blog was written on July 31, 2012 & speaking of Sunday July 29th 2012. I previously posted this blog, but then deleted it when it caused an unpaid practicum employment spot to be taken from me. I decided maybe it was better to delete it and avoid disclosing my imperfect road due to the consequences I experienced. However, I don't agree with the deletion of the blog. I agree and support everything I wrote in this blog and I stand strong by it. Hence, this re-posting...



I have to come clean...

Sunday night, I became unclean...

I have been (had been) clean from Mia (bulimia) for almost a year and a half, until this past Sunday night...

I have been eating carelessly lately. And, I have gained a couple pounds. Gaining a couple pounds by eating too much dessert isn't what has made me unclean.

Sunday I went to the store to buy a couple dresses and flowing shirts so I could "hide" and "mask" and be okay with the couple pounds I have gained. I was okay with it. I found a couple super cute things and I settled for buying the mediums; I actually felt pretty okay about it.. more okay about it than I thought I would.

I came home and ate a big salad for dinner. I felt okay about that, too. Then I remembered I had some red velvet cake ice cream made by the one and only Ben and Jerry's in my freezer. I thought about the ice cream for a while before I ate it...

I thought about the night before when I ate 1/3 of the carton. To be duly noted is that before I ate that 1/3 carton of the pint of Ben and Jerry's, I had dinner at Blue Martini. I had martinis at Blue Martini, too. I was there a while and got home at about 10:00pm. Before I got home, I stopped at a gas station next to my place. I got a bottle of wine, a clif bar - white chocolate chip, my fave, and as soon as I spotted the red velvet cake Ben and Jerry's, I had to get it.

Recently, a co-worker of mine raved about this ice cream. He and I both have professed our love for red velvet cake! Yum! When he mentioned the ice cream and how delicious it was, I had to get it when I saw it at the gas station.

I got home and decided to just open the wine. I spoke to my fiancé who reassured me that my gaining a couple pounds was A-okay and said I was beautiful. It had been a couple hours since I had the Blue Martini meal, and for some reason, I decided that, YEAH! Its okay if I gain a couple pounds - I will eat!

So, I didn't start with either thing I bought. I warmed up a lean cuisine I had in the freezer. It was about 10:45pm at this point, and I wasn't really hungry. Then I had the clif bar... then I had 1/3 of the ice cream... I was all fired up about being fine, just the way I am... I didn't care.

Then I woke up the next morning - disappointed, feeling guilty, ughh...

I was going to do better today. I decided that, and then I stood up. My head pounded with the martini + wine induced headache I had. There went the spin-class plans I had... not a great start to my "being good" day. I ran some errands eventually. I finished my LAST assignment of the school semester (thank goodness). I ate dinner - another lean cuisine. That lean cuisine filled me up...-said no one ever... I had a bowl of soup, too.

Now we get back to the point at the beginning of this post: "Then I remembered I had some red velvet cake ice cream made by the one and only Ben & Jerry's in my freezer. I thought about the ice cream for a while before I ate it..."

I actually didn't really like the ice cream. It wasn't that good, at all. I love red velvet cake. I love Ben & Jerry's ice cream, but that ice cream was just, ehhh... not impressed.

The point - I didn't even want it. I had thoughts of bringing it into work and giving it to my co-worker who said he loved it. I didn't want to eat it. But, I couldn't stop thinking about it. So, I just took one bite and put it back. And then I took another bite and put it back. And then I put the rest in a bowl and finished it. The whole time, I still thought "I don't even like this".

I finished the pint. For the first time in almost a year and a half, I thought [she thought]: Get rid of it. NOW.

I paced. I walked. I told myself not to. I think I may have even laughed. I reminded myself how long it had been since I haven't. I reminded myself of my #1 ground rule - never, ever again. Ever...

I did it.

I did it and I stared at the toilet. I stared blankly at the red velvet mess I made in the toilet. She was there. She did it - she got rid of it.

I flushed and I walked away without her...

I vowed to myself to never, ever do that again. But, you know what, I had a little accident. I had a momentary set back. I did it...

Just because I did it that night did not mean I had to go back to her; it didn't mean she had to come back to me. Just because I tripped up did not mean I had to make a slow motion fall to my face. I caught myself, I regained my balance, I planted my feet, I wiped my face and lifted my head, and I walked away.

Just because she came back does NOT mean she will take over. I am too strong for her now. And that I will NEVER forget.

I am too strong for you, Mia. Nice try. You lose. I win.