Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Searching for a feeling of accomplishment

I turned 26 recently. I graduated high school in 2002...that means my 10 year reunion is right around the corner. I graduated from the University of South Florida in December of 2006, almost 4 years ago. I graduated with about a 3.4 and walked away with a piece of paper...A lot of people tell me that that piece of paper, that Bachelor's degree should make me feel accomplished in itself (but, it doesn't...).

I worked and supported myself, with the help of plenty of student loans, throughout my time at USF. I was in a sorority, Kappa Delta. I had a serious boyfriend, who I separated myself from in 2007. I had plenty of opportunity to have fun, make money, and accomplish. I am stuck with the feeling that I wasted a lot of that opportunity.

Since I earned my degree, my mind has changed and been rattled and has been busy racing around itself. My goal was to get my Master's degree and become a counselor...that didn't pan out the way I thought it would. I have always wanted to write books about positive self-esteem and body image as well as the reality of a disordered eater. I've wanted to public speak, to inspire. I've wanted to write cookbooks; I love to cook. I've wanted to settle down and fall in love; who doesn't? I've wanted to improve myself, transform myself into more of a loving provider and get ready for a family. I've wanted to do a lot. But, I haven't done anything. I feel like I haven't finished and actually accomplished anything. I am 26 now. I feel like the same confused, lost soul I was at 18, at 21, at 23, 24, 25...I feel stuck. I have grown in age. Time has passed. But I feel the same. Unfulfilled, unappreciated (mostly by myself), undeveloped, unproductive, underachieved...UNACCOMPLISHED.

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