Leniency is key for someone trying to get beyond a disordered eating lifestyle. It is not one or the other. It is not all or nothing. It is not win or lose.
This year has been my first without ED for the holidays. Wow... what an experience it has been. I smiled while I ate and I meant that smile! I did not worry how I would burn off the calories or how I could discretely purge without getting caught. What a miracle.
I have been "clean" for some time now. By "clean" I mean 90+% of the time I Eat to Live, Not the Alternative. I give myself about 10% leniency. I have to. If I didn't, I would surely fail and in turn label myself as such: A Failure. But, I am not a failure. I am a survivor and a fighter. And, a beautiful one at that. I look in the mirror now and I think, damn... what did I ever complain about? I say this not to sound cocky or conceited. I say this because it is a miracle that I can say and believe that about myself; I am beautiful.
In order to maintain such beliefs, I have to wake up everyday and believe that. And, if I don't believe that when I wake up, I have to do something to make myself believe that. I have to wash my face and see beauty in my eyes. I have to go to the gym (another blog on what cardio means to her and I, coming soon). I have to read my favorite blogs or my favorite quotes on true beauty. Sometimes I read scriptures I know speak to me. I have to do something, anything to start my day in a day of beauty.
Every day I have to make sure I wake up with beautiful metaphorically tattooed on my forehead. If I don't, if I go into my day thinking of imperfections, the day will be just that, imperfect. Now, having said that... even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger. I get stronger through leniency, not stringency. When I have a weak day, I tell myself I will be okay; I tell myself tomorrow is a new day and I can work on it then. The world will not end. The sun always rises and the sun always sets. The new year always comes, just as it just did.
Happy 2012. I will be living my 2012 just as I should be: Eating to Live, Not the Alternative. I will be Eating to Live through leniency, not stringency. If I want something, I am going to live and I am going to eat it. I am not going to restrict. I am not going to binge. I am not going to purge. I am going to Eat and live. And, I am going to smile the whole time.
Happy New Year to all my perfectly imperfect, BEAUTIFUL fans. I love you all. You make me stronger. You make me believe in beauty. Thank you.
Cheers to Eating to Live...NOT the Alternative.