Saturday, February 4, 2012

Watch out, here she comes...

For life as I ever knew it, I was never a normal eater. I was not a normal eater and food was never just food. In plenty of instances in my life, stories of food restricting and excessive exercise provided me with ways of purging for comforting reassurance [Stay tuned for an upcoming blog on forms of comforting reassurance]. Exercise and restricting remained steady outs for her for a few years. But, they soon were not enough...

Watch out Jessica. 

I wish someone would have told me to watch out. I wish someone would have begged me and warned me. I wish someone could have warned me to watch out for what she had in store for me next.

Purging by way of self-induced vomiting made way on a day I will never, ever forget. I was a sophomore in college. Pre and Post gall bladder disease and removal in the summer of 2003, I was first forced into eating lightly or not at all. After surgery, I continued to train myself to eat lightly (understatement). In fact, I convinced myself I was "allergic" to some foods (i.e. chocolate... hah, yea okay). 

I was borderline anorexic. But, I ate though... I ate enough to live. I ate veggies, egg whites, salads, sugar-free/fat-free frozen yogurt, I ate bits of protein (sometimes), I ate fruit, I ate oatmeal and I ate bite by small bite of protein bars [can't write that and not think of this blog: Bulimia and Petit Thievery]. I had total control over my minimal calorie consumption. I had total control until the day I will never forget losing it...

I had a box of whole wheat pancake mix that I had purchased a few weeks earlier. I had yet to build up the courage to allow myself to eat pancakes though. Well, today, I was gonna do it. I made one generous sized whole wheat pancake (made with apple sauce instead of vegetable oil) in which I (thoroughly) enjoyed with sugar-free syrup and fat free butter (--> oxymoron?). I enjoyed that pancake so much. That pancake packed as many many carbs as I normally would eat in days. But, gosh, I remember it still to this day... it was divine. It might as well have been the best thing I ever ate.

I enjoyed that pancake so much that I decided to make another. But, first, I rationalized it.

"It's been so long. I have been so good. I can eat one more. Its fine. 
I will exercise today and do sit-ups. It will be totally fine (and delicious)."

I made another. I ate another. Then, I made a third. The third was not pre-meditated by rationalization. The third wasn't pre-meditated by anything except for her. In fact, I didn't make the third one, she did. And, she ate that third pancake. She ate that third one anxiously and she ate it quickly. She ate it so quickly that if anyone saw her eating it this way, they might have thought I was starved or that I was scared someone might take it from me. I ate that pancake so quickly that if anyone saw her eating it in MY body this way, I would have been devastatingly embarrassed.

I had lost control.


This was my first completely out of control binge. To me, it was like an out of body experience. To her, it was home. She made a home in me and my mind. For 8 long years, she would reside here mostly in control leaving ME mostly out of control.

In my midst of losing my own control to her's, I freaked the fuck out. Mini-panic attack became me. Purging game on became her. 

Here she goes... 

Here she comes to claim me with her most unforgettable showing. I had to get rid of what she did. She suggested the obvious.


In my mind, this sort of vomit-self-induced purge was unspeakable and disgusting. But, like I said, I lost my own control. My mind was no longer my own.

Apathetic toward her request
An addict abnormal in notion
mind has got a mind of its own
[taken from: Suffering in Silence]

She won. Her mind and her notions won. I vomited. I stuck my finger down my throat and I made myself vomit for as long as I could. My life changed on this today in 2003. For years, 8. long. years. I would never be the same. I would no longer be the same because I was no longer just me. I was me and I was her. But for now, she had taken over. She won.

The binge continued with my roommates powdered sugar donuts and other things that I wouldn't and hadn't eaten in months and/or in years. Any foods I saw that I had been restricting myself from in that pantry my roommate and I shared were eaten. They were eaten standing up and swiftly. I never made a plate, I never sat down. I just binged...she made me. The binge continued and so did the self-induced purging.

For 8 long years, she sometimes often, sometimes sporadically maintained her control. But now, she is gone. Looking back at this day, I wonder how I could have changed it... I wonder how I could have recognized her and what she had in store for me. I wonder how it all could have been different.

Well, as I sit here and write this post, I am smiling. I am smiling, not because I suffered, but because I know this suffering. I know this binge-and-purge suffering first hand and well. Now-a-days, in the peace that I have found inside of me and away from her, I am thankful for the above disclosure. I am thankful and I am proud. I am proud of where I have came from and I am thankful for where I am going.

Watch out, Jessica... ?

Watch out world, is more like it!

No comments:

Post a Comment