So I had a crazy experience yesterday...
I was sitting in my Human Sexuality class faux journaling and preparing to write an overdue blog. I was writing how I've been thinking a bunch about my grandfather as of late. I think about the role I have come to realize he may have played in my development of poor body image. Rest his soul...I love him. But, he used to propose that if I lost weight, he would give me money for every pound I lost. I remember thinking I must really be some kind of disgrace or look horrible because even my grandfather, whom I know adores me, is basically coercing me and pleading for me to lose weight... it's safe to say, this was not a positive regarding my development of a self-esteem (or, a lack there of I should more accurately say...).
Writing of that wasn't the crazy thing... Something else occurred to me...
Now, I have already declared and am certain that I have gone through what I have for a divine purpose. As previously blogged and stated, I truly feel that I was destined to suffer so I could, with first-hand knowledge and experience, help others who suffer. Or, even better, propose prevention and awareness of such disorders... [and that is exactly where this "project" will be going soon! God willing...]
Speaking of God willing... that's the crazy part. As I was writing about my grandfather's proposal surrounding a plea of pre-teen weight-loss, I found myself literally leaning my head to the right, confused and saying to myself "hmmm... but... I gave it to God." I submitted and left it in His hands and accepted my Holy and lamp-lighted path. So, was that supposed to happen, too? "And, wait a minute! Did I really just say that 'outloud' to myself? Did I just say, I gave it to God?!"
Wow... I have always been dumbfounded in the most humble way possible by that statement. It's something true believers do... Christian believers say that. They say, "I couldn't handle [it] so, I gave [it] to God."
I have always thought, my gosh, how wonderfully freeing does that sound? I never ever understood it. How do you just say, 'ehhh, I submit, I know I am not powerful enough to fully understand the things that happen on this Earth. So, I will leave it to that someone who is powerful enough to understand all somethings. I leave it and I give it to God...'
How relieving must that be!?! Knowing that you can submit and admit your human weakness and/or lack of understanding AND totally get away with it AND be freed of pressure and guilt and pain and shame.
Did I really just say that?!?
Did I do just that? Woah, I did! I just did that... I said it and I did it... I gave it to God. I declared that I don't understand anything more or anything less than the divine fact that I WAS SUPPOSED to be that someone that worked through such experiences with disordered eating and poor body image and negative self-esteem AND I am SUPPOSED to dedicate my life to helping others work through theirs or just avoid developing such issues all together through awareness/prevention via ME!
I gave it to God... and, as I have always imagined and assumed it would, it feels amazing and freeing and humbling and just divine!
I can and I do feel proud of my history because of the positive that is to come.
I can and I do feel thankful for my history because of the positive that is to come.
I can and I do feel privileged for my history because of the positive that is to come.
I can and I absolutely do feel blessed for my history because of the positive that is to come.
I am blessed... I am blessed to be in this body. I am blessed to be in this perfectly imperfect body with my (and her) perfectly imperfect past.
Thanks be to God. I said it...