Tuesday, May 24, 2011

The anxiety of change...

If I could describe the last 6 months and the next 6 months of my life with one word...CHANGE.

Definition of Change:
-the act or fact of changing; fact of being changed.
-a transformation or modification; alteration.
-a variation or deviation: a change in the daily routine.

These changes include but are not limited to:
1. moving to a new city
2. moving into my Mom's house...for the first time since I left it when I was 17..!
3. transferring to a new job...first a new Outback Steakhouse, then Texas Roadhouse
4. starting graduate school at USF (not a new college...my alma mater! Go BULLS!)
5. NOT having my best friend, Melissa, and NOT going out drinking/dancing regularly (huge change, actually...)
6. Getting an entirely NEW job!...this involves complete changes in routine, work hours, style of attire, type of work and work environment, etc, etc...
7. Starting 2 new endeavors...this blog/Facebook page (www.facebook.com/Eating.Living) & Passion Meets Pleasure (www.facebook.com/PMPParties)
8. being blessed with a new man in my life
9. anticipating moving in with this amazing man
10. anticipating spending the rest of my life with this man
11. anticipating taking Eating to Live, Not the Alternative to a whole-nother level this Fall
12. anticipating balancing a full-time "big girl" job with a full-time graduate school schedule

...I could probably go on...

Holy. Change.

As absolutely stoked and totally proud of myself I feel about all of these changes, I am so nervous. I am so anxious.

Change makes me anxious, as it does for many. When I get that anxious emotional feeling, I seek comfort to cope. Why food is a source of comfort I seek, I do not understand and probably never will. This seeking behavior creates even more anxiety because I know she is right there waiting to take advantage... Fearing her makes me anxious about getting anxious and makes me want to hypercontrol in order to prevent her from taking control... It's exhausting sometimes, cyclical and exhausting.

I have come such a long way in my battle to moderate this cycle...a really long way. And, I know I have to give myself credit for that. I know...I am. I declare 'I GIVE MYSELF CREDIT'. But, as I sit here right now, I am anxious. And, she is sitting next to me. She is waiting for me to invite her closer; she is waiting for me to give in to her. As consuming as the concentration it is taking to push her away and not let her win, I know it's worth it.

With a self-declared time out, a few deep breaths, and a brush of my teeth, I will remain in control. She is not gonna win. She is not in control. I am.

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