Since my last blog entry, I have had some people say "Ummm, Jessica, 2 biscuits & 3 oreos...?? Not exactly breaking the scale there..."
Yes. I agree. 2 biscuits and 3 oreos are far from a full out "binge", calorically speaking. But, its not always just about the calories...
If you ask her what compulsion is, she'll take a deep breath, growl on the exhale and swear it is the devil himself. Temptation...now that is one thing I know is in the devil's torturous toolbox. But, this compulsion, it's a much sharper knife. Compulsion is a samurai sword coming full force at her. And, sadly, more often than not, she can't duck out in time.
Now, when I wrote about the biscuits and oreos in the previous blog entry, eating 2 and 3 of each, respectively, was not what really disappointed me. Eating them late at night when I wasn't even hungry...that bothers me a little. But, not enough to write home about (my home I've found here in cyberspace with whomever you are that read this...<--thank you!).
Compulsion. One of her dirty 'C' words... (cellulite being another but, that's a whole-nother blog!)
A disordered eater's definition of Compulsion: I want that. But, I don't want that. But, I do. But, NO, I really do NOT...and I should NOT; I really shouldn't. But, I do and I can't stop it!...ugh! I cannot get that out of my head. The only way I can stop it is to have that. OK. One bite.
(Insert: trance-like-coma as she stands there probably in front of the open pantry/fridge and eat that "one bite" right out of the packaging...that bite and 10+ more...)
SNAP! Trance-like-coma, over.
She did it. She and her seemingly unbeatable compulsion won, again.
So, after a subjective explanation of eating 2 biscuits and 3 oreos for her, now you might understand why its so disappointing...all because of thoughts driven by pure COMPULSION.