Thursday, April 21, 2011

When she was tiny...

I'm preparing for two job interviews (that I have been seeking for 2 years!) next week for positions in children/family-based case management. As I look through my limited-professional laiden closet trying to figure out what to wear, I become baffled. I realize something that astonishes me. They don't fit. That's not exactly what astonishes me...
These clothes used to fit. They fit me 3 years ago when I wore them to work in the US Senator's regional office I worked at in West Palm Beach. 3 years ago...some of my darkest times. 3 years ago, I probably never ate much more than 1,000 calories a day. I purged things like salad, lean cuisines, fiber bars (after I binged on 1/2+ a box), whole grain english muffins, natural peanut butter, brown rice & whole wheat get the picture; I was the healthiest binge/purger ever...if there is such a thing. And, I was tiny...what I always wanted (or so she thought).
I wore these clothes, some sizes XS, 2, & 4, and I was tiny. For my body frame, I was super thin.
It took eating like a rabbit, purging when I ate "too much" rabbit food, and some menial cardio (nothing like the intense, heart-healthy cardio I do now).
If you wanted to find me on a Thursday, Friday or Saturday, you'd have to look towards a club (Ruuuumbaaaass!!). I probably drank in more calories in vodka-cran-club-soda-extra-lime than I ate in food on those days. And, the food I did eat was most likely burnt off on the dancefloor via DJ Monsta & the Babalu Bad Boys hip-hop, reggae & reggatone spinning turntables. It was a good night if we danced so much our knees hurt the next day, right Melissa?! :)

I was tiny. I was tiny and I never stopped giving myself a hard time, ever. It was never good enough. I never enjoyed what I had. Wearing size 2's didn't fulfill me and make me happy when I had it...

No, I wasn't happy. I was devastated. I was unhealthy; I was physically, mentally & psychologically unhealthy...but, I was tiny. She was tiny. I was broken.

But, I was smiling. What an awful, awful facade...


  1. :( I thought you were fabulous my love.. Even though i knew you were hurting inside and didn't want to let me in to help you. I knew eventually you would be ok, and look at you now? You are still fabulous, who cares if your not a size 2? I don't even want to be a size 2..we are beautiful at any size and especially a healthy size. I love you girl and don't look back, just look forward :)
    Victoria your old Rumbass friend :)

  2. You don't look that small in the pictures. Size 6 at least, I'd say.

  3. point is, I was engaging in unhealthy eating patterns and behaviors to reach that size...whatever size it was.

  4. Classic "chipmunk cheeks" of a bulimic...